Unbelievable Sadness

I stayed up late watching the election results and couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. Donald Trump is next President. How could this be? He has demonstrated how unfit and unstable he is but he was elected. I guess this is truly the mark of the last days. Nothing good will come from this. The riots, wars and all sort of calamity will come, and then we he’s done and the next President takes his place the cries of peace and security will come and then the end will come.

The Quiet Storm

It’s always quiet before the storm. Things seem fine, even peaceful but if you look hard you can see the storm clouds in the close distance. The air seems still and calm but look at those ominous clouds on the horizon. On the surface everything seems fine because I can function. I go about my normal routine. But those storm clouds are there, and any moment the storm will begin. 

And Then I Crash

I can’t sleep, and I feel the need to just walk. There’s no destination. I just need to walk, and then I crash.

I won’t eat because I don’t want to add to my misery, but then I can’t stop eating way too much. It’s mostly junk, things I don’t normally eat. Now I have to get rid of it so I take laxatives and I exercise incessantly and then I crash.

I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I want to be your friend more than your lover. I do what I think will make you happy but in the meantime I’m not happy. I cry and then I crash.

I get in my car and drive to no where. I look for relief, but can’t find it, and then I crash.

Innies or Outies

There has been much debate since the mass shootings of Adam Lanza and Elliot Rodger. Are individuals with Aspergers more prone to violence? Did Lanza’s and Rodger’s diagnoses play a role in their horrendous acts? The answer is complex. Let me begin by saying according to current research Aspergers does not make a person more likely to commit a violent crime. Just like anyone else those with Aspergers can have other mental health problems and personality disorders. Aspergers itself is not a form of mental illness and it is not a personality disorder. It is a developmental disorder that impacts a person’s ability to communicate socially and engage in meaningful relationships. This makes an individual with Aspergers more prone to bullying and the struggle with peer rejection may become unbearable but again not all individuals resort to violence. ¬†As with people in general, personality may also play a contributing role. People who internalize things (innies) tend to take out their anger and frustrations out on themselves; whereas their polar opposites (Outies) take out their anger and frustration on others. Both of these personalities are extremes and most people fall in between. But what should society do to help those that are Innies or Outies? Isn’t it time we took a closer look at the mental health system and revamp the who,e thing and offer some real help? Perhaps then we can prevent many suicides and mass murders.

Fighting to Survive

Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with the pain. But you can get through this. First by becoming aware. Recognize and admit to yourself that you are having suicidal thoughts. Then remove the means to act on these thoughts. Get rid of any pills, guns knives or even the keys of your car. Next remove the opportunity by being around others. Practice self care; eat and get enough rest. Identify what’s important to you and make a list of your strengths and the positive things in your life. If none of this work wait and let someone know. Choose to live. Fight to survive. It will be hard but you can do it. No excuses!

To help or not to help

For some reason April, May and June are extremely hard for me. Each day is a battle just a battle to survive. Everything bothers me; people, sounds, sights, events and circumstances. No matter how hard I try not to be sad or let myself slip into that dark place I can’t help myself. The pain both physical and emotional becomes unbearable. I struggle with who I should talk to and what I should say. I have found the responses to be not enough or too much. This makes disclosure of what I am really feeling difficult so I choose my words carefully and remain guarded which is not very helpful either. When someone seeks help from you how do you respond? Is it equally hard to know what to do since you do not know what is really
going on? Or do you just follow a script? Or just err on the side of caution? What is the middle ground? And how do we get there?

Do suicidal people really want to die?

I believe that many people who have contemplated, attempted or succeeded at suicide did so without really wanting to die. They desired instead an end to their pain. They do not know what to do and have lost hope. Their suffering has become so unbearable that they can’t see any other way to find relief except through death. Thus, I think it is imperative that we teach those at risk coping skills and finding a productive way out. Many suicidal people are conflicted about ending their lives. What are your thoughts?